You may laugh at the title of this post. Can your vagina really be unhappy? Speaking as a woman with a vagina, I certainly think so. I can’t speak for all women but my vagina and I have a very unique method of nonverbal communication and she makes sure to let me know when something isn’t quite right.

How Do I Keep Her Happy?

Before you assume that I’m some delusional crazy woman, I know my vagina isn’t a separate being and we obviously don’t communicate. Although, I would love to let my vagina take full responsibility for a couple, um well…….less than stellar choices that I may have made along the way.  Though we may not be able to directly converse with our vaginas, ladies, there are many things that we can do to ensure everything is in balance to enjoy a healthy, happy vagina and a great sex life.

First Things First

Before we get into how to make her happy, let’s talk about the vagina and what it is. Should we really have to? The answer is yes! Our reproductive systems are still a taboo topic (insert my eye roll and exasperated look) and many women have never been given good and accurate information about their own bodies. It is 2019 for pete sake!

What Is The Vagina?

According to the majority of the population,  the vagina is used as an all encompassing term for our genitalia. As an educator, this is a pet peeve of mine. I once had a man on social media ask to see my vagina. Really?  If you can see my vagina, I have bigger problems than being asked by an internet stranger to see my private parts. The vagina is actually the birth canal and it is inside the body.  What most people are referring to when they say vagina is actually the “vulva” or the external part of our genitalia. The vulva consists of the mons pubis, clitoris, urethra, labia majora, and labia minora. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word vulva. We all have one and they’re beautiful!

Did You Know Your Vagina Is Full Of Bacteria?

It is and if you didn’t know that, don’t get grossed out and go shove a douche up your vajayjay. In fact, don’t douche, like ever! The vagina is full of good bacteria that fends off bad bacteria and helps maintain a healthy pH.  Douching actually eliminates some of that healthy bacteria and could lead to infection. Why else shouldn’t you douche? Because the vagina is a wonderful, mystical organ that not only produces life but cleans itself.  Even our vaginas are efficient!

The only thing your lady bits need is washing the external…or vulva…with a mild, non-scented soap and water. No scented soaps, sprays, wipes or perfumes. It is supposed to smell like a vagina, not roses. If you notice that there is an abnormal odor, don’t be tempted to use these products. It is best to see your OBGYN because it is a sign of an infection.  Don’t be too embarrassed to seek help either. We’ve all had a case of the stinky crotch at one point in our lives. If you are saying “not me”, count your blessings because yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis are incredibly common and nothing to be ashamed of.

Lube It Up

Whether having sex with a partner or using a sex toy, lube is imperative. Like super important! Even a woman with a river like flow of natural lube during sex can have a few dry spells, so to speak.  Lube doesn’t only make sex more pleasurable but it works to protect you as well. Lack of lubrication can make a woman uncomfortable and cause microscopic tears in the vagina which increases your risk of infections and STI’s. Some women don’t produce a lot of natural lubricant so it’s best to use a lube. Before you go buying a new lube, let’s talk about them. Do not assume that because it is marketed as a sex lube that it’s safe.

There are water-based, silicone , oil and hybrid lubes. Water based are the most versatile and can be used in any sex activity and with all toys and condoms. The downside is because they are water based, they will be absorbed by the body and will need to be reapplied. Silicone is hypoallergic, lasts longer and feels like silk on your lady bits. The downside is that it’s messier and cannot be used with some sex toys, like silicone toys. Oil based lubes are like the gift that keeps on giving. They are the longest lasting of the lube choices and can be used for massages too. The downside, they should not be with condoms, may stain sheets and are linked to increased risk of infections.

Once you’ve decided on the type of lube you want, there are ingredients that you will want to avoid. Tiring right? Who knew picking a lube could be so hard! Number one, Glycerin. Glycerin is related to sugar. It is added to the lube to keep it moist but sugar can contribute to bacteria growth, not the good bacteria either. Second is petroleum. Petroleum can change your pH and increase bad bacteria growth.  Other things to avoid are parabens, scents, flavors, dyes and non-natural oils. If you are unsure or don’t want to use a commercial lube, organic coconut oil is a great choice.

Buy Good Sex Toys And Maintain Them

I won’t call you out but I know there are some ladies who are reading this right now that have a vibrator or two she pulls out and throws back into that dark, dusty top drawer of your nightstand when she’s done. I know you’re thinking that my vibrator only touched my body and I’m not dirty, so why clean it? You should always clean your sex toys after each time you use them and store them appropriately. Did you know that some sex toys can actually fuse together if stored touching?   When you buy a new one, research the material it is made of and  how you should clean and store it. Or, if you don’t want to research, subscribe to this blog because I am working on a post about it and I’ll tell you everything you need to know.

Practice Safe Sex

Practicing safe sex is one the single most important things you can do the keep your vagina happy and healthy. Use protection. Condom, dental dams… know the deal. Just do it! Also, be mindful of the order of your sexual activities. If you read my other posts you know I am a fan of everyone at least trying anal play but don’t go from butt to the vagina for the exact same reason that we wipe from front to back. Enough said. Get tested for STI’s. The obvious is to always get tested after you’ve swapped fluids with any new partner. It’s likely that if you are in a long term, monogamous relationship your gyno will ask you if you want STI testing during a checkup. Always say yes. I’m not saying your partner is out hooking up with others but people cheat. It’s a fact and some STI’s can have no symptoms and be undetected for years.

Go Retro

Tired of shaving, razor bumps and strip waxing your vulva raw? (By the end of this, I’m going to have everyone using vulva!) Granted, we all have times we need trim the hedges or shave around the bikini line but unless it is a personal preference, it is not necessary to remove your pubic hair. Long ago, some person (probably a man) decided pubes needed to be removed because they were unsanitary.  This logic is actually backwards. Pubic hair protects your coochie from bacteria and helps with sweating and friction. Not ready to grow a 70’s porn bush just yet? That’s ok too. Do what makes you comfortable but use good products like natural shaving gels.

Let her breath

Breathable undies make for a very happy vagina. Cotton is hands down the best choice. It lets the vag breathe and wicks moisture. The downside is……they aren’t the sexiest. To spice it up, go for a cotton spandex blend.  Another way to give her some fresh air is to sleep in your birthday suit. I know it isn’t feasible for everyone but do it when you can.  Most people sleep better when they are cooler anyway and you might find it very liberating.

Keeping your vagina happy and healthy isn’t an easy process. The good thing is most of the things we need to do are simple and the benefits are endless!


Published by That Bitch On The Net

Woman, mom, author....oh, and I sell sex toys!

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